When you feel like you’re cheating your family out of a real life

December 2014

I was supposed to go to the Mayo Clinic. My husband set everything up, I had appointments scheduled and he just kept saying “when we get to Mayo,” because he truly believed Mayo would be able to figure things out and life would get better. Then our insurance company said they wouldn’t cover anything done at Mayo and it would cost far too much to go without insurance – like $5000 up front. And even with the generous donations we received it wouldn’t be enough to even cover the initial $5000. Now I’m just going to regular specialists again …

My husband once said that my illness doesn’t affect just me and the guilt I already carried doubled. Lately, I haven’t been able to do anything – my energy is below zero, I sweat at the drop of a hat and feel sick doing anything more than laundry (and some days not even that!) I feel like I’m cheating my family out of a real life. Yes, yes, they all love me and I know that, but I can’t help but want more for them – a wife and mom that can cook meals, clean the house, go to the beach. I can barely make it to the backyard for a cookout.

How do you deal with these emotions? I feel guilty & selfish. Even when my husband says it’s not my fault and they all love me for me, I still feel this way. And then I feel bad for feeling bad. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’ve been ill for years, but the past 5 have been extremely hard since I just seem to be getting worse. I grieve my former self everyday. It’s so hard to accept this as normal.

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